Denver, Co- Following a disastrous 2016 election, MrScuzz, founding editor of The ScuzzFeed, has retired, permanently. While many pundits and Hollywood personalities threatened impotently to leave the country should the infamous New York con-man win, Mr Scuzz has left the planet. Permanently.
This has led to a long absence from the “fake-fake news” scene, but that is now over: It is with great trepidation Pleasure that we introduce our new Editor in Chief- Chuck Darwin.
Chuck comes with a long background in science and human (mis) behavior. His goals include: collecting a steady paycheck and getting “this rag interpreted as a trusted source by at least 55% of the Freedom Caucus”.
We welcome Mr Darwin to the fold and look forward to more straight from the gut sarcasm- Here. Only on ScuzzFeed.
Heaven God has made a rare intervention and declared that humans have under-performed their Karmic lessons for the first time in known history. With so much riding on the world at this crucial time- (S)He has declared a “do-over” for 2016. Our very cosmic matriculation has been set back one year meaning the Alpha Centauri’s might graduate before us.
Failure to meaningfully address global issues such as poverty, climate change, racism and religious fanaticism appear to have prompted this action. That, and presumably, Trump. The list of American transgressions against sanity are too numerous to list here, but we will try as 2016 begins again at midnight.
Since the New Year has been cancelled, all parties should be called off and everyone should get a good nights sleep because tomorrow – It’s Back to Work. You might want to consider giving up smoking and binge drinking anyway, but that’s up to you.
God has decreed that until we stop acting like stupid spoiled children, we shall be treated as such. (S)He closed by saying this is not Obama’s idea to stay in office even longer.
Anytown, USA– Americans have long been agnostic towards science and factual information, but a new Bartco Poll has shown the tipping point has been surpassed. While denial of Climate Change, and a belief that God favors Americans have been long held by many, America, it seems has just moved in to “Crazy Town”. This Poll, conducted on multiple fronts ( Internet, Phone, Personal questionnaires solicited out side of Wal-Mart’s) shows a staggering disconnect between the average American and the “Really Real World”. Bartholomew Simpson, the Polls director states it like this: ” We attempted to access the general public’s critical thinking ability by posing simple either or propositions. Such as: Is it more likely the Rapture will come in your lifetime, or that Global Warming will wipe out all life in the next 100 years” Mr. Simpson chokes a little as he wipes away an involuntary tear, ” On a scale of 1 to 10, Ten being a perfect correlation between responses and fact, and One being a perfect dissociation between the two, respondents ranked a -3.” How, you might ask is that even possible? Mr. Simpson continues his explanation: ” The problem is not only were that VAST majority unable to differentiate between fact and fantasy, they were unable to create a coherent answer. Let me give an Example: The question is: ‘Is it more likely that Barak Obama is a sleeper ISIL agent, bent on the destruction of America, or Rush Limbaugh might sometimes bend the truth?’ Most people were not even capable of giving an answer, there were thousands of answers that were just swearing, Many offers to pray with Pollsters, a few solicitations for sex, and at least 3 respondents used concealed guns to threaten our employees. One of those incidents was over the phone. That person accidentally shot himself when the bullet ricocheted off his phone receiver”
Detroit Michigan– Dr. Ben Carson, Republican Presidential Candidate stirred up some controversy at the recent Debates by claiming that China, as well as Russia were actively involved in the war is Syria. Pressed by the American Media Ma$hine to put up some evidence, he promised that he would, this weekend. And a man of his words, he has done just that. In a worldwide exclusive, Dr. Carson has come to Scuzzfeed to present absolute proof of Chinese involvement in the Syrian conflict.
We sat down with Mr. Carson for a full- one hour interview, which is transcribed below, in its entirety:
SF: Many people, including the whitehouse press secretary, have questioned, well, your sanity for suggesting something that they consider totally without merit.
Atlantic City, New Jersey- Donald Trump was recently asked about his Son’s predilection for killing rare creatures for sport. ” My sons are hunters, Eric is a hunter and I would say he puts it on a par with golf, if not ahead of golf. My other son, Don, is a hunter. They’re great marksman, great shots, they love it, I, em, like golf.” That he does. Animal rights groups were immediately up in arms about Trump comparing wounding an animal, letting it wander for close to two days, and then killing, dissecting it, and posing for pictures. The inability to understand the difference between taking life for please and knocking around balls to humiliate your friends is staggering. Both may be called “sport”, but that is an antiquated way of thinking. Forcible Sex (Rape) was once called by the moniker of: “Sport” in the not so distant American past. So it might seem inconceivable in the 21st century that even an over privileged White guy would fail to see the difference between his, and his son’s favorite pass times. That was until it was revealed how Mr. Trump “plays” golf. “I like movies, the old ones are the best.” He is reported to have said in another interview. “Black and White movies, like, em, ‘The Most Dangerous Game’, they don’t make ’em like that anymore.” But they do. And so, it seems does the Donald.
Scuzzfeed has obtained this exclusive shot of him playing Golf with friends. The objective: to knock out 1970’s television stars. “Routinely sinking small round spheres into flagged holes can get tedious, but taking out moving targets, that’s a game of skill. ” Donald Trump chuckles “Well, some of them qualify as moving targets.” We have an idea for Mr. Trump, perhaps he’d like to travel to Antarctica and putt a few into one of those huge holes–the one’s that lead to the dinosaurs subterranean cities. Now that’s Sport!
Washington, D.C.- 1̶3̶ 17 Republicans have already thrown their hats into the ring for the 2016 Republican Primary. (We give up on keeping up with them, so the following post is still just about the first 13 losers -Ed.) Even if they don’t usually wear hats. Ranging from career Politicians to just plain whackos, they have made setting odds in Vegas a daunting task. “Never before have we had such a wide pool of people,” Said Jimmy the Edge, Nevadan Bookmaker, “All with essentially zero chance of becoming President.” Why, we asked, then would they put themselves through such stress and turmoil? “Because there’s always a chance, no matter how slim, that Americans might just skip voting all together and the race come down to the votes of a handful of nut jobs. It’s worked for their Party before.” Jimmy stares contemplatively at his Cohiba Cigar, “But mostly at the State level.” So who are these “Candidates” ? Scuzzfeed has you covered:
Jeb Bush- A man of monosyllabic names. A man whose represents the last best hope for the Bush dynasty to again ascend to the Oval Office (Until Jenna and/or Barbara ‘get in the Game’). Best known for running for four months while declaring he hadn’t made up his mind, he represents the business class who wish to continue lying about everything they do as well.
Rick Perry- Former Governor of Texas who once demonstrated difficulty counting to 3: A product of his own Education Policies. When he said: “Texas is Number One!” you have to seriously question whether he understood what he was saying. But one number he did get to is: 278, the number of executions under his administration as Governor, But heck, who’s counting? Continue reading 1̶3̶ 17 Candidates Vie For a Chance To Lose In 2016→
Bergen, Norway – Scuzzfeed has obtained the exclusive rights to this mysterious photograph taken in western Norway by a professional Bear hunter known only as Hans. While many people assume Internet Trolls are just nasty people, we now have proof otherwise. “Oh, they’re a separate species alright,” Say Hans through an interpreter, ” And Internet Trolls are unique in their ability to master technology. Although there are several closely related Breeds, such as the Copyright, and the Patent Trolls.” Skilled as he may be in the Art of Troll extermination, Hans admits to being at a loss for how to control these new Foes of Humanity. “At the first sign that they are being pursued, they fight back horribly. They threaten with Lawsuits, hire investigators to crawl inside your life. And then, They take your entire life and just delete it. And if they ever get ahold of your Facebook account,— Holy Jævela Dritt!” So what are we to do against such a feckless and vile adversary you ask? We fight them on the own playing field; where we are equal. We fight them on the Internet itself, we fight them with our superior wit and with our wicked social skills. They are, after all, just a bunch of Trolls.
Madison Wi- Scott Walker recently signed into law sweeping “truth in advertising” rules. This historic piece of Progressive legislation comes from one of the most backward looking administrations at a time when Walker has just declared his candidacy for President in 2016. “How could this happen?” You ask. How could a man who fights for the rights of the rich and corporations possibly sign a Bill with stunning repercussions for both groups? Is this some kind of change of heart, or a devious play for centrist votes? Not likely. Governor Walker, who is undergoing treatment for Pedum in Ore syndrome, accidentally signed the bill while under the influence of Oxy-Codone pain killers that he was given by Rush Limbaugh, a fellow sufferer. In a fit of delirium, while hallucinating that he was, in fact, already President, Gov. Walker began signing every piece of paper in his office. The Bill, an April Fools joke penned by long time confidant Tom Nardelli, and passed by the Republican dominated legislature had been sitting on his desk, presumably waiting for him to learn to read. When his pen hit the Bill, it magically became law, making Wisconsin a Vanguard of consumer protection. Something the State was ill-prepared to do. When Gov. Walker was informed of what he had done, he tried to take it back. But Wisconsin Court of Appeals, District IV issued this ruling: ” No take-backsies on enacted legislation without due process”. After the ruling was explained to him, Gov. Walker instructed the State Legislature to begin drafting a bill to remove all court oversight within the State. It seems, that bill too, had been written as an April Fools joke the year before. Wisconsin is well-known as a State of jokesters. But it seems that the State (and Federal) Constitution forbids such legislation. So now they wait. When asked for comment, Gov. Walker had this to say: “When I’m president, I’ll just have to fix the Constitution to eliminate these pesky courts, just like our fore fathers intended.”
Cupertino Ca.- Tim Cook C.E.O. of Apple® Inc. has released what many are hoping will be the next “must-have” Apple® product. The Apple® watch. In a technological step back, Apple® has returned to the basics. This simple piece of fruit with an analog watch in it harkens back to the classics like a mash-up between Hieronymus Bosch and Rene Magritte with just a dash of Salvador Dali. “Don’t like the classic clock with hands?” Stated TimC (All Apple® employees now have ‘hip’ new names) during the media frenzy party, “Just slip in a digital!” Which he did to the explosive cheers of the Scientology-like crowd of employees. And who can blame them, having exhausted the limits of slave labor to produce over priced technological gadgets, they’re opening a new market. They will now be exploiting the previously dying craft of fruit carvers. Starting at $350, the cryogenically frozen, hermetically sealed products will require frequent apple replacement. But for $17,500, you will receive a freshly carved fruit via express delivery every two days. You can even change colors! Red, Yellow and Green being the most popular. Feeling Blue? a bottle of Apple® approved food coloring is available for only $99. Is this the beginning of a revolution? They certainly hope so. Apple® may be the richest corporation on the planet, but times are hard. Recently, they found it economically impossible to share enough corporate air and light for academy award winning documentary filmmaker Alex Gibney to interview senior staff. Maybe the “NeXT” thing is really what they need. So run out and order one. Apple® Watches are on back order until September 2015 already (or whenever the next harvest is in Argentina). And it comes in a Really Cool Box®..
Las Vegas, NV- America’s Porn industry has launched a new campaign: PornSafer. PornSafer seeks to raise awarness about how much safer porn sites are than online banks, stores, or even large news outlets. All of this thanks to: The Equation Group.
The Equation Group is the name given by Computer Security firm Kaspersky to a group of ultra sophisticated hackers that have infiltrated- well, everything. These brazen hackers act as if they pwned the internet, and they appear to have actually done it. The finesse of these attacks have been so expert, that this virus may have existed over 14 years without detection. Many signatures predicted by Edward Snowden have, in fact, been discovered by the Kaspersy team. So is this the work of the NSA, and by inference, the U.S. government?
“That’s just B******t!” says Sam Brownback, Kansas Governor and Comcast employee. ” This is undoubtably, the work of the most nefarious international angency of choas- the Illuminati” He points to an eerie image, now circulating the internet, that shows the hackers codes converted into an ouroboros. This greek image of a snake eating it’s own tail has long been associated with dark, closeted, psuedo-religeous sects. So, what if the governor is right? What can we do if every detail of our lives is already owned and sold? “You can kick back, and watch some Porn” Says Monte Thunderback, industry spokesman for the PornSafer initiative.”Hell, when every conceivable legitimate site can be used to harvest your personal details, why would they waste anytime infecting our sites? I mean most of our users are losers. Who’d even want their credit card info? ” Thinking of paying your mortgage online? -PornSafer”. Indeed. – Kenneth Kenbow