Global Warming (Finally) Defeats the Frost Giants

A Giant laid low with common Garden Tools.
A Giant laid low with common Garden Tools.

Tahsis, British Columbia- In many third-world countries, such as Canada and Finland, Frost Giants have just been a part of life. No more say the residents of this remote town. “With the recession of the ice sheets, the Jötunn have lost their powers” remarked Farley Gundermann, the town vice-mayor. “Once upon a time, the long winter nights spelled terror and fear as they came down from the mountains to have their way with us.” Now, it seems, they are as weak as giant snowmen.

These fierce Monsters tore their way through settlements, and we can’t even repeat what they did to the women-folk. Considered by Norse mythology as some of the first residents of planet Earth, Jötunn, as they are called in the native tongue, are really nothing more than quasi-supernatural pests. And now the pests are on the run.

Slaying these creeps for fun is it's own profit.
Slaying these creeps for fun is it’s own profit.

” They’re so weak now, we like to go have some suds, and then hunt down a few of these icy freaks” Laughs Bo Smithe, who invited our photographer to go with him on one of these hunts. “They’re slow, and stupid, and their ice is pretty soft.”
“Hell, another few years of this, and any old kid’ll be able to cream one of them with nothing more than a snow-cone machine and a bottle of raspberry syrup” Adds his hunting Pal: Killian Kripya.

Frost Giants appear in many, misshapened forms, often appearing differently from one person to the next. They thrive on the now endangered glaciers where they pretend to be the masters of this world. With a global temperature rise of almost 1.5° C., and more to come, they mat soon be extinct. For it was not these men that laid low this ancient scourge, but Climate change, plain and simple.

” We’re justreally  hopin’ P.E.T.A. doesn’t get wind of this and throw a fit.” ponders Bo Smithe, His companion adds: “Yeah, we gotta be nice to seals now.”
“We don’t need a “Save the Frost Giants” movement.” Is the last thing Bo said to this reporter.

As the Sun Sets on Tahsis, it's lights-out for these Freaky Creeps.
As the Sun Sets on Tahsis, it’s lights-out for these Freaky Creeps.

We, at Scuzzfeed agree. Mankind has too long been the cattle of malefic forces, fodder for monsters and aliens, it’s about time we did some butt-kicking in return. Now, if they could just figure out what to do about all those Sasquatch.

-Kenneth Kenbow