Apple C.E.O. Tim Cook spent a lot of money Monday, that otherwise could have potentially wound up as dividends for the corporations very patient stockholders. Amid much hoop-a-la and spectacle, he unveiled a new logo for Apples’ next operating system, codenamed: “Windows8” while under development. And nothing more.
“Here at Apple we are dedicated to continue to pretend that we are still a vital, relevant tech company.” Began Cooks’ speech. “Our users demand that we strive to appear ‘new’ and ‘hip’, and today… We deliver” Amid the room crammed with rabid reporters hoping for some big scoop that would finally pay the rent, was Scuzzfeed’s own: MrScuzz.
“It kinda of looks like a sideways infinity sign, don’t you think?” Tim continued to the bewildered crowd. “It symbolizes our intent to endlessly release newer and more expensive products with no meaningful improvements. In fact, we believe in taking away popular features so that we can then repackage them and sell them as another product. Anybody want to watch a DVD on their MacBook Pro? You can’t. And there’s no BluRay, because we think it’s just a fad like ‘Flash’.” The C.E.O.s laughter seemed to turn to sobbing before he regained composure and finish what is presumably his last speech as an Apple employee.
Afterwards, we spoke to marketing spokesperson Vanessa Prose who explained why, well, why any of it. ” Apple maintains the largest collection of credit card numbers in the world. We’re proud of that fact. ”
“In order to get anything ‘free’ from Apple, such as an app, or an update, you need an Itunes account. In order to have an Itunes account you need a credit card.”
” We don’t really care whose.” Looking professional in her tight black Turtle-neck and torn blue jeans, she smiled demurely.” All Apple updates are free to licensed users, which is only fair since the operating system is just a version of OpenBSD, itself freeware. But you can buy it from us if you wish. Some people frame their receipts from the Apple store: it’s just that cool.”
And it really is a cool logo. Too bad it’s nothing more. Next Sept. Apple will actually release a date for another “Big” announcement, but until then we’ll just have to wait and wonder.