Washington D.C.– The Presidential “Turkey Pardon” is a long standing American tradition. Generally thought of as about as controversial as ground hogs day, this years Turkey Pardon took a dark twist.
Scuzzfeed has learned that this years recipient of clemency: a turkey named “Cheese”, has met with foul play. Sources tell Scuzzfeed that the infamous Koch Brothers replaced the turkey after the ceremony and roasted it for a banquet at the Cato Institute. Tickets are rumored to have cost over $10,000 each (all tax-deductible of course).
” Before we dig into the Best Thanksgiving meal ever,” Began Charles Koch on a clandestine phone recording delivered to our offices, ” we should bow our heads in Thanks that, once again, there is nothing this President can do, that we can’t undo. For a hefty price” The remainder of his toast was unintelligible due to thunderous applause and cheering on the same recording.
An un-named witness, who brought the tape to us, divuldged just how deep this rabbit-hole goes. ” These men will stop at nothing to de-rail any gain made by this administration. Media assassination, Jury tampering and nuisance lawsuits are routine for this group. But, to have an opportunity to kill and eat a bird, only hours after Obama had pardoned it, that was too much for them to resist.”
While a look-alike bird will spend his life lounging at a wildlife preserve, the real “Cheese” got the death penalty. So, when other news outlets create controversy over the Presidents’ teenagers acting like teenagers- we bring you the REAL news. Only on Scuzzfeed.