Washington, D.C.- 1̶3̶ 17 Republicans have already thrown their hats into the ring for the 2016 Republican Primary. (We give up on keeping up with them, so the following post is still just about the first 13 losers -Ed.) Even if they don’t usually wear hats. Ranging from career Politicians to just plain whackos, they have made setting odds in Vegas a daunting task.
“Never before have we had such a wide pool of people,” Said Jimmy the Edge, Nevadan Bookmaker, “All with essentially zero chance of becoming President.” Why, we asked, then would they put themselves through such stress and turmoil? “Because there’s always a chance, no matter how slim, that Americans might just skip voting all together and the race come down to the votes of a handful of nut jobs. It’s worked for their Party before.” Jimmy stares contemplatively at his Cohiba Cigar, “But mostly at the State level.”
So who are these “Candidates” ? Scuzzfeed has you covered:
Jeb Bush- A man of monosyllabic names. A man whose represents the last best hope for the Bush dynasty to again ascend to the Oval Office (Until Jenna and/or Barbara ‘get in the Game’). Best known for running for four months while declaring he hadn’t made up his mind, he represents the business class who wish to continue lying about everything they do as well.
Rick Perry- Former Governor of Texas who once demonstrated difficulty counting to 3: A product of his own Education Policies. When he said: “Texas is Number One!” you have to seriously question whether he understood what he was saying. But one number he did get to is: 278, the number of executions under his administration as Governor, But heck, who’s counting?
Rick Santorum- Our favorite Urban Dictionary entry, Former Senator from Pennsylvania, and fierce Catholic Lawyer, Mr. Santorum has had issues recently with the Pope. He has denied the very existence of the Middle Class in America: “When have we has classes in America, the Marxist stuff.” An avid anti- evolutionist and anti-abortionist, it is often hard to determine what, exactly he is for. Essentially, he’s for ignorance no higher Education, No response to Global Warming, and nothing for people who are not exactly like him. His own words: “We will never have the media on our side, ever, in this country. We will never have the elite, smart people on our side.” But the Media does Love you, Mr. Rick, we really do.
George Pataki- Three term Governor of New York, and apparently, a bit of a control freak. Even his own party has questioned why there seems to be a suppression of “New Talent” since he came to office. While the States Schools, Transportation, and Medicaid now all seem inches from collapse, he thinks it’s time to take his leadership to the next level. In this crowd, he seems to be a level headed centrist. This could work to his advantage, because over half of these candidates may self-implode at any second. If that fails to happen he has no chance because of his perceived “common sense” that runs counter to the Republican base.
Bobby Jindahl- The current Governor of Louisiana and outspoken critic of everything he;s been told to criticize. He once said that Republicans had to stop being “the stupid party”, but has since acquiesced. He recommended that people ignore Supreme court decisions they disagree with. And he supports “Creation Science” in schools. His Presidential Campaign announcement occurred in his back yard, where, framed behind a tree, he had a hard time getting any enthusiasm from his children. His real first name is Piyush, and as such will never be taken seriously by his own party.
Ben Carson- A retired Neurosurgeon and life-long fundamentalist Christian. He was never affiliated with any political party until 2014, when he apparently saw a chance to run for President. A considers himself a scientist, yet does not believe in evolution or global warming. He would prefer that we put our faith in God and consume our world for our personal convenience. He claims he doesn’t really want to run for President, but is willing to do so as God has asked him. Many people probably don’t want to vote for him either, so this one’s up to God.
Ted Cruz- U.S. Senator for Texas, Rafael Cruz is our second candidate who chooses not to use his real first name, lest he scare old white people. Born in Canada to an American mother, and a Cuban father, he does represent the diversity that is America. Except he’s not quite about diversity. He has questioned the very existence of the Supreme court after they ruled to legalize Gay marriage. His opinion is that the court ruling over such cases cases runs counter to “What our Fore fathers intended” might make sense, if they had not created the Supreme court explicitly in the Constitution. His tenure in the Senate has allowed him to attempt to repeal Obama Care, try and force the elderly and poor to use government ID’s to vote, and eliminate all limits on campaign contributions. A southern Baptist, he fights for the right to discriminate at every turn. He has good potential in the Republican primary.
Rand Paul- Son of Ron, and independent Libertarian, who has chosen the Republican flag to attempt what his smarter, wiser father failed to do: remove all government oversight and hide in an isolationist hole. He is the U.S. Senator for Kentucky. He has blamed the Middle Eastern Wars on Hillary Clinton, and then refused to talk about anything he has said prior to his campaign. Considered by many Washington insiders as one of the dumbest Senators, he speaks often in gobbledegook which he is not fond of having scrutinized. He was upset about the FDA banning trans-fat, and warned: “They’re coming after your donuts” He has been caught plagiarizing wikipedia, among other sources. When speaking before student at Howard university, he made the mistake of talking down to them because they were black. “Did you know the Republican party freed the slaves?” He asked. Did you know THAT Republican party is now the democratic party, they responded. Apparently not.
Mike Huckabee- Former Arkansas Governor who became a Fox New Host while waiting to run for President, believes all human knowledge is contained in the Bible. Period. No need for anything else. He commented on Gay marriage by saying: ” Holy matrimony has now become and un-holy pretzel” A deep thinker, whose latest book: “God, Guns, Grits and Gravy” thinks we’d have a better world is everyone would just bow down to Conservative thought and behave. Not a favorite of women, he fought against reproductive rights and was quoted as saying this about one half of the human race: “they are helpless without Uncle Sugar coming in and providing them, for them, a prescription each month for birth control because they cannot control their libido or their reproductive system without the help of government.” But is he crazy enough?
Carly Fiorino- Here’s one woman who would agree with Huck. Former C.E.O. of Hewlitt Packard, the tech giant. She has so little understanding of technology she failed to realize that when running for office you should register your name as a domain before someone else does. carlyfiorino.org was registered by disgruntled ex-employees of H.P. to highlight her great works as C.E.O.. She fired 20.000 people. Once the hatchet job was over, H.P. replaced her. She considers the Middle Class who want things like “health Care” and Pensions “Moochers”.She worked as a campaign manager for a time, most notably for John McCain in 2008. She ran for Senate in California. She maintained a perfect record by losing all campaigns she was involved in. We predict this streak will continue.
Marco Rubio- Soon to be ex-Senator from Florida, Rubio was once a rising star in the Florida Republican party. Of Cuban descent, Marco exemplifies everything that Conservative Cubans in America stand for. Having been tossed out by Fidel Castro, the Cuban ex-pats still seethes over losing a country where the top 1% owned everything. Where the mob was their greatest ally, and where live snuff porn shows passed as entertainment. Once upon a time, he was taken under the wing of ex-Governor Jeb Bush, a man he considered a second father to him. A man he pledged that he would never run against. A pledge he would never keep. Smart money says he’s actually running for vice-president. Smarter money says the sun is setting on Marco- just like the Cuban embargo.
Lindsey Graham- U.S. Senator for South Carolina has said some pretty shocking things: for a Republican. He admits Global Warming is real and must be dealt with. He understands that TARP saved the country from a depression. He believes we MUST raise taxes. He supports immigration reform. Pretty edgy stuff in this herd. He strongly supports N.S.A. data collection among Americans and is willing to chase Edward Snowden “to the ends of the earth” Another position that is less than popular with right wing conspiracy seekers. He is an eloquent speaker and often quite witty. WTF? How did he even get here? We look forward to debates with this gentleman on stage.
Donald Trump- A joke candidate. Period. The only person who thinks he has a snowballs chance is himself. A Real Estate developer and (ex) Reality T.V. star, he’s never met a building he didn’t want to put his name on. In REALLY BIG letters. He began his campaign by insulting Mexico, and basically all Hispanics. He is against Gay Marriage because it would soil the sanctity of divorce. He lost his job with N.B.C. right after proclaiming himself: “the greatest job-creating President God ever made” And has now put both the Miss America and Miss Universe pageants in jeopardy. One of the most un abashed egotists in America, his brand is even too extreme for modern Conservatism.
That just about wraps it up. Until Chris Christy throws his very large hat in the ring. He probably deserves his own story anyway. ‘Cause we’ve got lots to talk about with one of the most corrupt, ill-tempered gas bags in the country running for the nomination. Too bad they’re all going to lose to Bernie Sanders- that’s Scuzzfeeds’ prediction.
You saw here fisrt, on Scuzzfeed. In fact, you saw it only on Scuzzfeed.