All posts by MrScuzz

Mohammed’s Face Appears on Slice of Toast

 

Some are purporting this to be a genuine sign from the Heavens
Some are purporting this to be a genuine sign from the Heavens

Raqqi, Syria- This mysterious image was posted on an ISIS website this weekend. Is it a supernatural sign? The Islamic State leadership certainly hopes so.
Amidst a devistating pounding from coalition forces led, now, by Jordan, ISIS has a morale problem. And now, just in time, comes what some say is a message directly from the prophet. While images of Mohammed are strictly forbidden by an interpretation of the hadith, this is considered too important a message to withhold. So censors merely removed the potentially blasphemous central portion. 
Scuzzfeed has a firm policy never to link to extremist websites, so we cannot give you the URL to the original story.  Suffice it to say, it is strongly suggested there that you accept this relic as authentic.  Not entirely without precedence images of the prophet were more or less common in the 14th and 15th centuries. It was later interpretation of comments made by the prophet to his inner circle that led to the ban on images of Mohammed.

Mohammad meets with Lot (and others) in Paradise.  Could explain the toasting of the Bread?
Mohammad meets with Lot (and others) in Paradise. Does this explain the toasting of the Bread?

And could this illustration from “The Apocalypse of Muhammad”, written in 1436, provide a clue as to how such an image may have been made?  Other examples of supernatural religious imagery include: The Shroud of Turin, an image of the Virgin Mary on a tortilla, and a manifestation of Jesus in the clouds as bombers in the Korean war move to obliterate the “god-less” communists.
As always, we suggest a healthy skepticism towards this and other spontaneous manifestations of iconography. Objects such as this will always fall into the category of Belief. To the believer no evidence can contradict their beliefs. Belief that greater powers guide us, belief that ancient words are the only “truth”, or even the belief that Fox News is news. To these things there can be no contradiction. So we leave this story to you, our readers, to decide for yourselves.       -Buster Lews

C.I.A.’s Lesson: Stop taking detailed notes

( Click here to Read the Full Message )

Langley, Va- Following the bombshell dropped on it by the “Torture Report”.  Scuzzfeed has found that the C.I.A. sent this email to all its employees:

 
To:  All C.I.A.:
Following the release of the Senate report on Enhanced Interogation techniques, we have decide on a change in angency policy. From now on, all detailed note taking will cease. Period. All operational information is to be held strictly in memory. That is all. This message will self-destruct in 10 seconds.

 

John O. Brennan sez: "There's more than one way to skin a cat!"
John O. Brennan sez: “There’s more than one way to skin a cat!”

While famous sociopath, Dick Cheney  called the entire report: “Full of Crap” , it seems the Agency is taking this seriously. Hence their decision to never let this happen again: by discontinuing their standing policy of copious note-taking and professionalism. The shock-waves continue to rumble beneath the feet of the Great and Powerful, none of which will ever face prosecution. 
These astounding effects of 9/11/2001 will continue for some time: Lack of oversight, sweeping Executive power, and a complete loss of the guiding principles of our Democracy. As Dianne Feinstein, chair of the senate intelligence committee put it: ” In America, we continue to leave no stone turned, give safe harbor to all conservative radicals, and never sleep until these travesties have been suitably forgotten.” ( quote edited by homeland security 
As we continue our nations sworn duty to protect the rights of the rich and powerful, while driving over all common decency and world law, let us reflect on what is the legacy of our “Conservative Values”: 
Lack of concern for the poor.
Loss of all expectations of privacy
Destruction of a fair and just economic system
A rampant, militarized Police State
Racial strife, and religious intolerance
Cheap, available Gasoline and Natural Gas.

It is time we stopped allowing the Fracking of the U.S. Constitution and…
Season Three of “American Horror Story” is now available on Netflix. And it’s also outside on our streets.
Got to pay the bills.

       -MrScuzz

Koch Brothers Eat Pardoned Turkey

Has America become so dangerous that even over-bred birds fall prey to partisan rancor?
Has America become so dangerous that even over-bred birds fall prey to partisan rancor?

Washington D.C.– The Presidential “Turkey Pardon” is a long standing American tradition. Generally thought of as about as controversial as ground hogs day, this years Turkey Pardon took a dark twist.
Scuzzfeed has learned that this years recipient of clemency: a turkey named “Cheese”, has met with foul play. Sources tell Scuzzfeed that the infamous Koch Brothers replaced the turkey after the ceremony and roasted it for a banquet at the Cato Institute. Tickets are rumored to have cost over $10,000 each (all tax-deductible of course). 
” Before we dig into the Best Thanksgiving meal ever,” Began Charles Koch on a clandestine phone recording delivered to our offices, ” we should bow our heads in Thanks that, once again, there is nothing this President can do, that we can’t undo. For a hefty price” The remainder of his toast was unintelligible due to thunderous applause and cheering on the same recording.
An un-named witness, who brought the tape to us, divuldged just how deep this rabbit-hole goes. ” These men will stop at nothing to de-rail any gain made by this administration. Media assassination, Jury tampering and nuisance lawsuits are routine for this group. But, to have an opportunity to kill and eat a bird, only hours after Obama had pardoned it, that was too much for them to resist.”
While a look-alike bird will spend his life lounging at a wildlife preserve, the real “Cheese” got the death penalty. So, when other news outlets create controversy over the Presidents’ teenagers acting like teenagers- we bring you the REAL news. Only on Scuzzfeed.

            -MrScuzz

Scientists Investigate Mystery in Antartica

One small step for a Man, one giant leap into yet another stinking hole
One small step for a Man, one giant leap into yet another stinking hole

Queen Mary Land Antarctica- Scientists, funded by a coalition of Conservative and Religious groups, investigated a giant opening in the Antarctic ice. Believed to be a portal into the “inner earth” where U.F.O.’s, Angelic Beings, and Sasquatch move from the underworld into ours. Long hypothesized by authors and “biblical” scholars, this hidden land will at once exonerate them, and drive the last nail into the coffin of “rational thought”. 

“It is my deepest hope, that we will prove that inside the earth is another sun and an entire world that walks beneath our feet.” Rhapsodized Expedition lead Lance Peri. ” Literally; walking beneath our feet.  For as we scamper about on the surface of this globe, they live on the outside of the great cavern with their sun hovering above.”  How is this possible you ask? “Beacause of the power and the glory of One who can do all things.”

 Peri, a climate change skeptic by trade, assembled this group from his drinking buddies in Belize. A retired community college science teacher, a mechanic, and several members of the local “Flat Earth Society” , some of whom had never traveled more than 25 miles from their birth places, joined him on this globe-spanning trek. Said one member, Chuck Johnson III, upon their arrival: “Yep, it’s flat here too.”

No hardship, no chore, no fact stood in their way as this group hiked approximately 25 miles overland to reach the glowing precipice. This reporter watching in awe as they boldly rappeled downward, one by one. The brave men carried few supplies, and only spent 1000 feet of rope, so sure were they that gravity would quickly reverse and they would walk freely upside down beneath me. If only they had listened they would not have dropped into the heart of a Dinosaur city. I don’t expect to see them again.    

 -Robert Bobington

America has Ebola “Fever”

Dallas Tx.– America has Ebola fever- but not the kind you’re thinking  of.  While several cases have occurred on American soil, the dreaded plague is not here yet.  But you wouldn’t know it from watching the T.V., or cruising the internet.  Ebola scares- that makes it hot news. And hot news is big business.
Georgia Governor Nathan Deal made headlines with his comforting news that: “Water Kills Ebola” . Not one to be alarmed by facts, he further stated: ” Of course water kills ebola. Water is more dangerous than smoking. Didn’t you get that e-mail. I got that e-mail, everyone I know got that e-mail.” I found it in my Spam box.

Silly Gits fill Americas street with intolerance for: "so-called Science"
Silly Gits fill Americas street with intolerance for: “so-called Science”

And speaking of true, as in: truely insane,  Ebola “Right to Life” protests have spawned across parts of America. 
“Let no man destroy what God hath created”  Is the sentiment posited by Roy B. Andersnatch, an organizer of protests in Texas. “We believe Jesus is coming soon, and this is just his way of saying: ‘Howdy Sinners’ .”  And he is not alone.  Dozens of people have taken to the streets in an effort to sway public opinion. 
We asked  born- again Pastor and Television Personality Andy Mowwwack if these citizens had a point. ” Oh, definitely: Yes.” He replied. “We have only to look at this outbreak to see the love of Jesus in it.  It’s God’s way of punishing  people for not being Americans.” Hmmmm…
 Pox news has presented quite a non-stop barrage of viewer frightening; on an quarter-hourly basis.  Commentators can’t seem to get enough of every discarded shred of conjecture they can get their grubby little hands on.  Perhaps Africas’ biggest problem is a lack of free- market Capitalism. Surely, the private sector could wipe out the epidemic just as quickly as they wipe out your credit.
If only there was a way to blame Obama.
Radio host Michael Savage has their back on this one. On his widely syndicated show he questioned the sanity of sending soldiers to help in Africa; where ebola is an actual threat.
“Why would he (President Obama) send American troops into an ebola hot zone?  Unless of course, his plan is to infect them and bring it back home.”  He rants with foamed mouth fury.  -Cut to commercial.
It’s just a sad fact that since America has no real problems there seems ample room for this micro-hysteria. But it’s just another shiny thing,  a “squirrel” to distract us from our real reality. As long as the word “Ebola” has the power to enthrall, someone will use it to grab our attention and then fill our heads with sacks of Blarney.
America has Ebola fever. And it’s contagious. So far, there is no accepted treatment.

A.P. and Rueters did not contribute to this report.

-Kenneth Kenbow

Apple unveils new Graphic

Tim Cook presents a totally new Operating system that won't be available for several months
Tim Cook presents a totally new Operating system that won’t be available for several months

Apple C.E.O. Tim Cook spent a lot of money Monday, that otherwise could have potentially wound up as dividends for the corporations very patient stockholders. Amid much hoop-a-la and spectacle, he unveiled a new logo for Apples’ next operating system, codenamed: “Windows8” while under development. And nothing more.
“Here at Apple we are dedicated to continue to  pretend that we are still a vital, relevant tech company.” Began Cooks’ speech. “Our users demand that we strive to appear ‘new’ and ‘hip’, and today… We deliver” Amid the room crammed with rabid reporters hoping for some big scoop that would finally pay the rent, was Scuzzfeed’s own: MrScuzz.
“It kinda of looks like a sideways infinity sign, don’t you think?” Tim continued to the bewildered crowd. “It symbolizes our intent to endlessly release newer and more expensive products with no meaningful improvements. In fact, we believe in taking away popular features so that we can then repackage them and sell them as another product. Anybody want to watch a DVD on their MacBook Pro? You can’t. And there’s no BluRay, because we think it’s just a fad like ‘Flash’.” The C.E.O.s laughter seemed to turn to sobbing before he regained composure and finish what is presumably his last speech as an Apple employee.
Afterwards, we spoke to marketing spokesperson Vanessa Prose who explained why,            well,        why any of it.   ” Apple maintains the largest collection of credit card numbers in the world.  We’re proud of that fact. ”
“In order to get anything ‘free’ from Apple, such as an app, or an update, you need an Itunes account.  In order to have an Itunes account you need a credit card.”
” We don’t really care whose.” Looking professional in her tight black Turtle-neck and torn blue jeans, she smiled demurely.” All Apple updates are free to licensed users, which is only fair since the operating system is just a version of OpenBSD, itself freeware. But you can buy it from us if you wish. Some people frame their receipts from the Apple store: it’s just that cool.”

And it really is a cool logo. Too bad it’s nothing more. Next Sept. Apple will actually release a date for another “Big” announcement, but until then we’ll just have to wait and wonder.

 -MrScuzz

Florene Yoth feared Missing

CONFIDENTIAL SOURCES REPORT-  Famed star of stage and

Florene Yoth- Presumed Stolen
Florene Yoth- Presumed Stolen

screen Florene Yoth is presumed missing by her manager during a recent shoot in Myrina. Recognized by the entire civilized world as the spokes-model for Bataguan-O hair products, she is feared kidnapped by swarthy partisans. Scuzz Feeed is rapidly acting to send a crew in search of the mind-blowingly gorgeous feme-fatale and will keep you updated with any news, gossip or trifle that we can unearth.
-Buster Lews

Please bookmark this story for up to the minute reporting from your source- Scuzz Feed

Super-Intellegent Dinosaurs found in Antarctic

Image courtesy of: Vladovo-Istock
Image courtesy of: Vladovo-Istock

Queen Mary Land Antarctica- nearly 600 miles inland from the coast lies: Lake Vostock, a sub-glacial lake tapped in 2012 by Russian scientists. Little did they know that also living beneath the ice was a lost civilization where intelligent Dinosaurs still live and rule. This photo, taken by a group during the 2013 season, is proof that not only do Dinosaurs still exist, but they rival humans in smarts- they even wear clothes.
“As you can see, they are much smaller than their ancestors.” says Ivo Vanashevsky, of the Russian research team. “But they still have bloodlust running through their veins.” He goes on to recount how meetings between the Dinosaurs and Humans have, so far, ended badly. “They lack any moral development and will kill anyone they get their claws on. They take the clothing, supplies, and meat leaving nothing but red snow when they finish”
And meetings between these horrid creatures are on the rise. Wuth the advent of touch-screen technology they have be ordering and hording Ipads, Kindles, and even Nexus Tablets. Fed Ex dog-team mushers have reported being very uneasy making these deliveries. “We don’t believe thay had any interest in computers until the technology reached a level that they could access it with their claws and tails” continues Vanashevsky.
” We need global resolve to find and wipe out this race.” He concludes with terror in his eyes, ” Before someone decides to ‘protect’ them. They would never extend the same favor to us.  And once they discover the internet, they’ll know our every weakness.
Write you Congressman, start a petition, do everything you can before it’s too late. This is not the time for complacency – you saw it here first: on Scuzzfeed.
-Robert Boberton

Global Warming (Finally) Defeats the Frost Giants

A Giant laid low with common Garden Tools.
A Giant laid low with common Garden Tools.

Tahsis, British Columbia- In many third-world countries, such as Canada and Finland, Frost Giants have just been a part of life. No more say the residents of this remote town. “With the recession of the ice sheets, the Jötunn have lost their powers” remarked Farley Gundermann, the town vice-mayor. “Once upon a time, the long winter nights spelled terror and fear as they came down from the mountains to have their way with us.” Now, it seems, they are as weak as giant snowmen.

These fierce Monsters tore their way through settlements, and we can’t even repeat what they did to the women-folk. Considered by Norse mythology as some of the first residents of planet Earth, Jötunn, as they are called in the native tongue, are really nothing more than quasi-supernatural pests. And now the pests are on the run.

Slaying these creeps for fun is it's own profit.
Slaying these creeps for fun is it’s own profit.

” They’re so weak now, we like to go have some suds, and then hunt down a few of these icy freaks” Laughs Bo Smithe, who invited our photographer to go with him on one of these hunts. “They’re slow, and stupid, and their ice is pretty soft.”
“Hell, another few years of this, and any old kid’ll be able to cream one of them with nothing more than a snow-cone machine and a bottle of raspberry syrup” Adds his hunting Pal: Killian Kripya.

Frost Giants appear in many, misshapened forms, often appearing differently from one person to the next. They thrive on the now endangered glaciers where they pretend to be the masters of this world. With a global temperature rise of almost 1.5° C., and more to come, they mat soon be extinct. For it was not these men that laid low this ancient scourge, but Climate change, plain and simple.

” We’re justreally  hopin’ P.E.T.A. doesn’t get wind of this and throw a fit.” ponders Bo Smithe, His companion adds: “Yeah, we gotta be nice to seals now.”
“We don’t need a “Save the Frost Giants” movement.” Is the last thing Bo said to this reporter.

As the Sun Sets on Tahsis, it's lights-out for these Freaky Creeps.
As the Sun Sets on Tahsis, it’s lights-out for these Freaky Creeps.

We, at Scuzzfeed agree. Mankind has too long been the cattle of malefic forces, fodder for monsters and aliens, it’s about time we did some butt-kicking in return. Now, if they could just figure out what to do about all those Sasquatch.

-Kenneth Kenbow

Want to save the World? – Strip down

Want to save Mother Nature? Dress like she made you!
Want to save Mother Nature? Dress like she made you!

Oxford G.B.- renowned economist Dr. Percy Fogbladder recently spoke before the prestigious Oxford College of Integrated Sciences about the Global costs of Modern lifestyles. The Gist: His idea to save the world’s economies and the Planet itself: Stop wearing Clothes!

” The Global Impact of wearing clothes is equal to 13% of Worlwide GDP. This one small thing will save resources, Energy, and Money enough to turn around our Lemming-like drive into the abyss” Dr Fogbladder spoke before a flabbergasted audience outlining his plan for Global salvation.  A partial list of his analysis showed these savings:

1) 6,595.3 Billion Liters of water no longer wasted washing clothes.
2) 90,000 TW of power (that’s: terrawatts- each is 1 million kilowatts- what you pay on your bill)
3) nearly 10 million kilos of Carbon released into the atmosphere.
4) a net savings of 168.4 Trillion dollars annually
5) and 21,000 deaths, that are yearly tributed to the Grim Reaper by our strange fascination with clothing.

Dr. Fogbladder further posited that another side benefit would be increased fitness, as people would no longer be able to hide beneath their Mumus and Caftans. “It would be a better, saner and more equal world if we just stopped hiding behind these primitive symbols of status and locality.”  We agree. But not, apparently his fellows at Oxford who ended the lecture by tarring and feathering the poor man.
We hope his genius might be appreciated by a more enlightened,  future humanity.

-Mr Scuzz