All posts by MrScuzz

Creation Science- Oxymoron or just Plain Bulls#@t ?

Ken Ham says: " While Fairies may have made the Earth- they have no place in it now"
Ken Ham says: ” While Fairies may have made the Earth- they have no place in it now”

Peterburg, Ky- Bill Nye ( the science Guy) debated creationist Ken Ham recently on whether the earth is only 6,000 years old and if evolution is an abomination. Hams’ creationist museum includes representations of people riding Dinosaurs as well as mis-representations of anything remotely reasonable. A fund raiser for a new wing (intellegently designed, of course) for his “museum” found him and Mr. Nye sharing the stage in a debate.
“Creation is the only viable model of historical science confirmed by observational science in today’s modern scientific era” – Just WTF that means is anyone’s guess.

Bill Nye is doing this for the good of the people, not because there is really any debate to be had
Bill Nye is doing this for the good of the people, not because there is really any debate to be had

Ham further states that the Bible says life begins at fertilization, but unfortunately, it does not. There’s lots of flowery prose about the sanctity of life, but 2000 years ago the actual process was not well understood. Just like the great flood creating the Grand Canyon, Mr. Ham is just pulling things out of his @ss and attributing them to God.
Bill Nye, on the other hand, showed great restraint and acted like a gentleman throughout. While many felt he should have just crossed the stage, and throttled Ham while screaming “Thou shalt not suffer a Fool to live!” But he didn’t. He merely pointed out that Ham has created a scientific justification for his beliefs by re defining what science means.
So what did we learn? That Bill Nye should now be called “The NICE Science Guy” . As for Ham, his fifteen minutes are up.

-Kenneth Kenbow

These Ghost’s Got No Regrets!

These ghosts are happy and well-adjusted!
These ghosts are happy and well-adjusted!

Cripple Creek, Co. Any ghost hunter with a cable reality show will tell you that Ghosts are “trapped” by trauma, unfinished business, or some other prattle. We went to one of the most haunted places in America and came back with proof that it just ain’t so…
Many “spookers” use expensive Ghost Boxes to speak with ghosts. Here, the paranormal energies are so powerful, we were able to just use an old transistor radio to speak with two rambunctious spectres. Their candid interview sheds new light on the after-life, and hauntings in general.

Scuzzfeed: you say that being a ghost is actually a good thing?
Ghost1: Oh, sure, Life is great!  Get it? Life..
Ghost2: He means afterlife, and heck yeah- we have a blast! No eating (and no dieting either.)  We get to play cards
Ghost1: And mess with tourists!
Scuzzfeed: So you’re not stuck in a bleak in-between world of suffering and filled with grief?
Ghost2: Are you for real? You’re the ones stuck in a ceaseless pool of bitter ennui order by midnight you’ll get a free
(Editors note: the radio frequency ghost communication software is still not perfect)
Ghost1: Did we mention you don’t have to poop?

All eternity to play cards- sound like Heaven?
All eternity to play cards- sound like Heaven?

Scuzzfeed: So what can you tell us about the after-life
Ghost1: Well it’s pretty much like… what was that movie?
Ghost2:  Bettlejuice.
Ghost1: Yeah, Bettlejuice- that was a documentary.
Ghost2: Damn Skippy

Scuzzfeed: Is there anything you have to tell us?
Ghost1: Life Sucks, choose death
Ghost2: Don’t let anyone tell you to “Go into the light”

Well, that just about wraps it up. Fear the Reaper? we say- Pshww!

  -Robert Bobington

Legal Pot = Playoff Win?

The Super Bowl is in Jersey- Leave those reefers behind. Oh, and plan ahead for traffic
The Super Bowl is in Jersey- Leave those reefers behind. Oh, and plan ahead for traffic

As predicted by Scuzzfeed- the winners of this years playoffs are both teams from states that have legalized marijuana. Coincidence? No. Here’s why:

1) The NFL had previously stated that players may partake of the “Dinkie dow” when in states that have legalized it. So obviously, San Francisco and the Patriots were woefully behind in their tolenrance. Denver had the additional advantage of extreme altitude. Those cheerleader handing out goodie bags of AK47 were not just there as a courtesy.

2) The Fans: Fans stoked on herbal bliss have a 20% greater psychic POW factor that can feed the athletes “Good Vibes” and Harsh the buzz of their opponents. By the same toke-n:  Fans from teams that live in prohibition states sub consciously yearn for an excuse to travel to Denver or Seattle. This creates a heavy weight on the collective un-conscious to shift the Jungian Id in their direction.

3) The refs were all stoned.

-MrScuzz

Happy New Year! Colorado Liquor Stores File for Bankruptcy at Record Pace

Coloradans are wearing this strange symbol. What is it? - we don't know
Coloradans are wearing this strange symbol. What is it? – we don’t know

Denver Colorado 1/1/2014- Lines are forming all across the State of Colorado as liquor store owners file bankruptcy papers. This phenomena is doubly inexplicable because all government offices are closed today. Brad Wellington, freelance Economist, said: ” This must be the result of an improving economy, with the rise in optimism, many people must be ‘getting off the sauce’. ”

A large crowd gathered at the Civic Center Mall in Denver were smoking what appeared to be hand-rolled cigarettes. All refused to comment, and even laughed at this reporter. Many seemed to be sucking on liquid filled jars and pots. But the hard fact is: not a single one of them was drinking.  Is this a new rise in puritanism ? A health craze, or just another strange coincidence?

Every where I turned, Everyone I asked either made fun me, or just stared coldly. My only conclusion: People in Colorado are strange.
 -Robert Boberton

Dinosaur (?) found under kitchen sink

Is this a Dinosaur?- you be the judge
Is this a Dinosaur?- you be the judge

BREAKING NEWS-Authorities and local Scientists are baffeled by what appears to be a quadra-pedal Saurian found under a local woman’s sink. It’s rapid appearance and disappearance, has made DNA sampling difficult. But many believe this photo is evidence of either a genetic throwback or some sort of weird time/space disruption.  Despite the outlandish nature of this claim, no one is calling it a fraud, yet.

“I know I haven’t been the best when it comes to housework,” says Claire Debauch- urban housewife in Colorado Springs, CO. “But I have definitely cleaned under the cabinets since the Jurassic Period” Forensic Paleontologists have cordoned off the premises for advanced testing, temporarily moving the Debauch family to a four-star hotel in nearby Cascade. Stay up to date on this and other stories by subscribing to the Suzz Feed RSS feed.

-Robert Boberton

Americans choose to Fight Terror by driving Gas Guzzlers

A link btween Terrorism and Oil? - Nonesense! sez America
Great Satan? Ameica says- “No Way!”

Americans all across the nation have decided that fighting terrorism is best achieved by buying Bigger Cars and Trucks. Unlike previous generations that chose to tighten their belts and face adversity head-on. Modern America feels that to give up even one small comfort is to accept defeat.

“A link between Terror and Oil? You must be frickin’ nuts..” Says Roy Patterson, Treasurer of a local Tea- Party express chapter. “Why just last week we were told at the meetin’ that those Ā-rabs use goats for all their tradin’. Not Petro=Dollars. Goat skins, Goat cheese, just plain Goats.” Roy moves closer to this reporterand in a gesture that mirrors his conspiratorial tone, speaks out of the side of his mouth. “They’re kinda dumb, you see,  If they could figure it out… Hell, they could just Buy America and be done with it.” He begins laughing wildly until over come by a fit of coughing, his point hitting home.

Other ways to fight Terrorism include:  buying bumper stickers,  T-shirts and magnetic yellow ribbons.

-Mr Scuzz

 

New Elementary Particle Discovered

Dr. Fritz Vondrehle has announced the discovery of a new elementary particle at the smaller Hadron Collider  in Minsk, Belarus. He is excited that it tends to support his version of string theory.

Dr> Vondrehle in front of a cut-out photo of a particle collider
Dr Vodrehle poses with his infamous melted goggles

” All this talk of Higgs Boson’s will pale in comparison to my discovery of this particle” Still un-named while awaiting publication,.This never before imagined particle could undermine what is called “the Standard Theory” and replace it with “Silly string theory” as he calls it. It is believed that this new particle will unite all of the previously ridiculous string theories together, much like old Alfredo sauce glues spaghetti into an unified mass.

This discovery happened unexpectedly when Vondrehle mistakenly opened a wave-guide containment panel, thinking it was the shared microwave oven used by staff, and inserted a “Super Burrito” in to it. The resulting explosion melted his protective glasses and briefly turned the Tortilla into a Bowl of SpaghettiO’s. Proof that this is, indeed, an Elementary Particle.

“These are  truly, the dreams that stuff is made of!” He is quoted to have said.

 -Mr Scuzz